"In the year that King Uzziah died I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up; and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him stood the seraphim. Each had six wings: with two he covered his face, and with two he covered his feet, and with two he flew. And one called to another and said:
'Holy, holy, holy is the LORD of hosts; the whole earth is full of his glory!'
And the foundations of the thresholds shook at the voice of him who called, and the house was filled with smoke. And I said: 'Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts!'" - Isaiah 6:1-5
Isaiah's story always baffles me. He was there.
my eyes have seen the King
I took a class a few years ago called 8th Century Prophets and the main prophet we studied was Isaiah. I remember someone in the class asking about the crazy stuff some of the prophets did for the Lord. And his answer was something like, "I think all of us would too if we had seen him." These prophets feared the Lord.
In Jeremiah, God tells the prophet to not be afraid of people, lest God terrify him before the people. What would you do if your eyes had seen the King? Have you seen the King?
Our God is a beautiful God.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
i miss the past.
Lately I've been finding myself dwelling on the past. Okay, every day. And part of me knows it's not super healthy, but at the same time I know that it's good to reflect on what God has done in your life.
I was driving back to Manhattan from Wichita a couple weeks ago and a song came on (I can't remember which song...I think something by Matt Redman?) and I immediately got this tight feeling in my chest, because it was something that we sang at Survive.
For those of you who don't know, Survive was the church camp I went to in high school at SOTO (Shepherd of the Ozarks) in Arkansas; but the awesome thing was that it wasn't just a church camp. It was a week that challenged you physically and pushed you past your comfort zone; it pushed you spiritually, and I can say that I have never felt God move so strongly anywhere other than I did at Survive. I met Christ there and I saw people come to Christ whom I never thought would.
I can still smell the cabins and the river if I think hard enough about it. I can hear the chants of the different tribes that we were put into for the week. I can feel the wood from the travois digging into my back as we carried our tribe members down the river. I can remember the fear that hit me as I walked a rope 30 feet above the ground. I can remember hiking to the Goat Cave during free time with my friends and pulling Kyle down the river because he broke his ankle. And I can taste those delicious chicken enchiladas that Linda always made for us.
And I'm telling you when I smell bug spray the first thing I think of: night mission. You could walk out of the cabin and almost suffocate in the cloud of bug spray everyone left behind. Or if you wanted to smell it all the time all you had to do was step into the boys room because they never fully understood the "only apply bug spray outside."
But the thing that will always remain the most vivid to me is sitting in the meeting room of the big cabin, listening to Jeff teach us from the Word and watching as it hit people and seeing the Spirit move in peoples' lives. I listened to students as young as 12 or 13 telling stories of what God was doing in their hearts and watched as friends came forward to be prayed for and to confess sin.
Gosh. I miss it. I haven't been back to SOTO in almost 3 years. And when I think about it I think how much God has brought me through since then.
I keep all my journals and as I read back through things from that first summer at SOTO I fall in love with God all over again. I was so on fire for God when I left that week, and I haven't lost that fire, but rather it is a more constant, steady fire.
I think about Survive and my old youth group often, because I believe that God worked great things in us and still is. I believe we had something that a lot of youth groups don't have, and that was a drive to lead and a drive to make our lives look different, not just on Sundays, but EVERY day. And it was awesome. I lived for Wednesday nights when we all got to be together and be challenged.
I don't really have a point here I guess. Just feeling extra-nostalgic today. And if you are reading this and you feel like God is calling you away from something that you feel is amazing, it's OK. Follow Him. Because we all have to grow up. The seed gets planted and then it has to grow. It has to go out and be planted in others. I had the worst freshman year of college because I missed high school so much, but if none of us had ever left, God couldn't prepare us for the future in what He wants for us.
I was driving back to Manhattan from Wichita a couple weeks ago and a song came on (I can't remember which song...I think something by Matt Redman?) and I immediately got this tight feeling in my chest, because it was something that we sang at Survive.
For those of you who don't know, Survive was the church camp I went to in high school at SOTO (Shepherd of the Ozarks) in Arkansas; but the awesome thing was that it wasn't just a church camp. It was a week that challenged you physically and pushed you past your comfort zone; it pushed you spiritually, and I can say that I have never felt God move so strongly anywhere other than I did at Survive. I met Christ there and I saw people come to Christ whom I never thought would.
I can still smell the cabins and the river if I think hard enough about it. I can hear the chants of the different tribes that we were put into for the week. I can feel the wood from the travois digging into my back as we carried our tribe members down the river. I can remember the fear that hit me as I walked a rope 30 feet above the ground. I can remember hiking to the Goat Cave during free time with my friends and pulling Kyle down the river because he broke his ankle. And I can taste those delicious chicken enchiladas that Linda always made for us.
And I'm telling you when I smell bug spray the first thing I think of: night mission. You could walk out of the cabin and almost suffocate in the cloud of bug spray everyone left behind. Or if you wanted to smell it all the time all you had to do was step into the boys room because they never fully understood the "only apply bug spray outside."
But the thing that will always remain the most vivid to me is sitting in the meeting room of the big cabin, listening to Jeff teach us from the Word and watching as it hit people and seeing the Spirit move in peoples' lives. I listened to students as young as 12 or 13 telling stories of what God was doing in their hearts and watched as friends came forward to be prayed for and to confess sin.
Gosh. I miss it. I haven't been back to SOTO in almost 3 years. And when I think about it I think how much God has brought me through since then.
I keep all my journals and as I read back through things from that first summer at SOTO I fall in love with God all over again. I was so on fire for God when I left that week, and I haven't lost that fire, but rather it is a more constant, steady fire.
I think about Survive and my old youth group often, because I believe that God worked great things in us and still is. I believe we had something that a lot of youth groups don't have, and that was a drive to lead and a drive to make our lives look different, not just on Sundays, but EVERY day. And it was awesome. I lived for Wednesday nights when we all got to be together and be challenged.
I don't really have a point here I guess. Just feeling extra-nostalgic today. And if you are reading this and you feel like God is calling you away from something that you feel is amazing, it's OK. Follow Him. Because we all have to grow up. The seed gets planted and then it has to grow. It has to go out and be planted in others. I had the worst freshman year of college because I missed high school so much, but if none of us had ever left, God couldn't prepare us for the future in what He wants for us.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
time waster.
Back in January of 2007 I made the decision to get a Facebook, like many of my friends did. At first I would get on maybe once a day to check and see what was going on, but as the months went on and I left for college I found myself becoming even more and more addicted to it.
It's an addiction. And a dangerous one.
For the last couple weeks I have been battling with myself over whether or not to close it, when I finally came to the conclusion that it was time to leave the Facebook world, at least for a little while.
I was convicted.
I was convicted because, and I'm not kidding, I spent upwards of two hours a day on Facebook. Two hours.
Now I know that there are people who spend way more time than that on Facebook, but that's up to them. I told myself when I left high school that I wanted to be a world changer. And I can tell you it's not going to happen by me sitting on Facebook for hours on end.
Next semester, I don't want to just get by in my classes. I want to learn as much as I can so that I can be prepared because I can tell you that as a future ESL teacher I have a long road ahead of me. I can guarantee you there will be students in my classroom whose parents came to this country illegally. I will not deny any of my future students an education and I have to be able to stand up for them and have the research to back up what I say.
There will be principals who tell me that my students are not allowed to speak their first language at all while in the classroom, which I know already (from the small amount of research I have done) can be detrimental to their learning experience. And so I must be able to tell those around me why it's important for students to use any language they need to so that they can understand and learn.
So for the last two semesters of my college career I will be spending time preparing for the real world instead of wasting my time on Facebook.
Also, my Jesus is coming back for me someday and I won't be sitting on Facebook when He does.
"...the hour has come for you to wake from sleep. For salvation is nearer to us now than when we first believed." - Romans 13:11
It's an addiction. And a dangerous one.
For the last couple weeks I have been battling with myself over whether or not to close it, when I finally came to the conclusion that it was time to leave the Facebook world, at least for a little while.
I was convicted.
I was convicted because, and I'm not kidding, I spent upwards of two hours a day on Facebook. Two hours.
Now I know that there are people who spend way more time than that on Facebook, but that's up to them. I told myself when I left high school that I wanted to be a world changer. And I can tell you it's not going to happen by me sitting on Facebook for hours on end.
Next semester, I don't want to just get by in my classes. I want to learn as much as I can so that I can be prepared because I can tell you that as a future ESL teacher I have a long road ahead of me. I can guarantee you there will be students in my classroom whose parents came to this country illegally. I will not deny any of my future students an education and I have to be able to stand up for them and have the research to back up what I say.
There will be principals who tell me that my students are not allowed to speak their first language at all while in the classroom, which I know already (from the small amount of research I have done) can be detrimental to their learning experience. And so I must be able to tell those around me why it's important for students to use any language they need to so that they can understand and learn.
So for the last two semesters of my college career I will be spending time preparing for the real world instead of wasting my time on Facebook.
Also, my Jesus is coming back for me someday and I won't be sitting on Facebook when He does.
"...the hour has come for you to wake from sleep. For salvation is nearer to us now than when we first believed." - Romans 13:11
Monday, December 6, 2010
life.
Well...I can't believe it's here. December. I have been wrestling all semester with faith, with the fact that every day I get to come home and get in my warm bed, I get to go to a job where I make more in a day than many families around the world make in a month, I get to eat at least three times a day, and if you know me you know I eat way more than three times a day.
You all are probably sick and tired of hearing me talk about Mexico, about poverty, about being changed. I wanted to say, "I'm sorry,"...but really, I'm not. You don't go through something like that and not let it change you. Last week I came home, got in the shower, and stood there in the hot water literally feeling sick about myself. Why do I get to sleep in an apartment where even when the heat isn't on I am not freezing? I know people who this winter will not get to shower because the water is freezing.
I have been changed spiritually but what scares me the most is that I'm not sure people see it. I'm not sure I show it. I come home and instead of doing homework I flip on my favorite show or get on Facebook. And I don't know how to break out of this funk that I've gotten myself into. There's a song by Barlow Girl and the lyrics are, "How can we be silent, when a fire burns inside us?" Why am I silent? Why, when I know the girl sitting next to me or behind me in class struggles so much with life? Why will I talk about the fact that I hate writing papers, or the great deal I got on a pair of jeans, instead of how much Christ loves YOU? Why can't I step out? This is something I struggle with DAILY.
God has carried me so far this semester. I left in May unsure of myself, quiet, and with a lack of self-confidence. I came back in August an emotional wreck, changed forever, newly confident in God and in His calling on my life, and now I stand here four months later and say, "I am stronger. I am ready to be used by You." But why don't I see it?
Last weekend I got the opportunity to go to Dallas and run a half marathon. It was a blast! Sharisse+Liz+Aubrie navigating Dallas=lots of laughs and confusion. My mom gave me one of those TomToms navigation system things and it is HILARIOUS. By the end of the trip we were mimicking him (yes, him not it).
"Keep left, then keep right." - TomTom "WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN?!" - me "Keep left then do a pirouette in the middle of the highway, then take the motorway." - Liz+fake British accent
I am very glad Liz is from Denver, or Sharisse and I would have been very lost. Sharisse and I were good at jumping on the beds of an expensive hotel room and testing out the pillows. I was good at eating, sleeping, and forgetting Raphael's packet in our hotel room so we had to go back and get it.
I had a blast with my friends this weekend. I am so blessed. :)
I'm not sure how running 13.1 miles is a blast, but when you cross that finish line, it's one of the best feelings in the world. I am hooked. As I was running I was thinking about how everyone was getting along. Everyone encouraged one another. Spectators held signs like, "I'm cheering for YOUR PR" and people I didn't even know were reading my bib and saying, "Go Aubrie! You're almost there!" People wearing different sports teams, people of different backgrounds, people in Santa suits and banana outfits, 80 year-old men and high schoolers. Whether people were cheering or running, we were together. Running in a marathon with 20,000+ other people is one of the most awesome experiences ever. If you haven't done it, you need to. "I'm not a runner," isn't an excuse. I was the one in high school track that would do ANYTHING to avoid the 80-minute Saturday morning runs. And if I had to go I complained the whole way. Hundreds of people in wheelchairs, and people with prosthetic legs, people who are blind run these marathons. I'm telling you, it's awesome. So sign yourself up! Who says you have to run the whole thing? Or at least get out and cheer during a marathon!! Those high fives and smiles at mile 10 make you think, "Okay, I'm almost there! I can make it!"
I just wanted to do a quick post and let you know where I'm at in life. Please, leave me a comment about where YOU are and what I can be praying about for you (I'm not kidding. Please do it!!) I filled out my application to return to Casas for a second internship...and I am very excited yet broken-hearted at the same time. Excited because I love it there, broken-hearted because I will be leaving my family again (however, there's always the possibility that door won't be opened and I will be here next summer). But I guess that's part of growing up. I am so blessed to get to see my family as often as I do. And blessed that they are so awesome. I think my dad makes me laugh every time we go out to eat now. He will say just about anything!
PS. If you are reading this and have donated/prayed for our group going to Mexico this winter, I am so grateful and the team is too. Thank you for helping us give a family a home in the 20 degree weather. One of the biggest misunderstandings is that it is warm in Juarez this time of year. It was 19 there the other night and there is a three year waiting list of families who have signed up for a house. If you'd like to know how you can go build or get on a team, please let me know. Please pray for me, Kalynn, Sarah, Stephanie, Sharisse, Heather, Micki, Lehr, Raphael, and Alexis as we build for Eustaquio and Maria December 27th thru January 1st.
You all are probably sick and tired of hearing me talk about Mexico, about poverty, about being changed. I wanted to say, "I'm sorry,"...but really, I'm not. You don't go through something like that and not let it change you. Last week I came home, got in the shower, and stood there in the hot water literally feeling sick about myself. Why do I get to sleep in an apartment where even when the heat isn't on I am not freezing? I know people who this winter will not get to shower because the water is freezing.
I have been changed spiritually but what scares me the most is that I'm not sure people see it. I'm not sure I show it. I come home and instead of doing homework I flip on my favorite show or get on Facebook. And I don't know how to break out of this funk that I've gotten myself into. There's a song by Barlow Girl and the lyrics are, "How can we be silent, when a fire burns inside us?" Why am I silent? Why, when I know the girl sitting next to me or behind me in class struggles so much with life? Why will I talk about the fact that I hate writing papers, or the great deal I got on a pair of jeans, instead of how much Christ loves YOU? Why can't I step out? This is something I struggle with DAILY.
God has carried me so far this semester. I left in May unsure of myself, quiet, and with a lack of self-confidence. I came back in August an emotional wreck, changed forever, newly confident in God and in His calling on my life, and now I stand here four months later and say, "I am stronger. I am ready to be used by You." But why don't I see it?
Last weekend I got the opportunity to go to Dallas and run a half marathon. It was a blast! Sharisse+Liz+Aubrie navigating Dallas=lots of laughs and confusion. My mom gave me one of those TomToms navigation system things and it is HILARIOUS. By the end of the trip we were mimicking him (yes, him not it).
"Keep left, then keep right." - TomTom "WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN?!" - me "Keep left then do a pirouette in the middle of the highway, then take the motorway." - Liz+fake British accent
I am very glad Liz is from Denver, or Sharisse and I would have been very lost. Sharisse and I were good at jumping on the beds of an expensive hotel room and testing out the pillows. I was good at eating, sleeping, and forgetting Raphael's packet in our hotel room so we had to go back and get it.
I had a blast with my friends this weekend. I am so blessed. :)
I'm not sure how running 13.1 miles is a blast, but when you cross that finish line, it's one of the best feelings in the world. I am hooked. As I was running I was thinking about how everyone was getting along. Everyone encouraged one another. Spectators held signs like, "I'm cheering for YOUR PR" and people I didn't even know were reading my bib and saying, "Go Aubrie! You're almost there!" People wearing different sports teams, people of different backgrounds, people in Santa suits and banana outfits, 80 year-old men and high schoolers. Whether people were cheering or running, we were together. Running in a marathon with 20,000+ other people is one of the most awesome experiences ever. If you haven't done it, you need to. "I'm not a runner," isn't an excuse. I was the one in high school track that would do ANYTHING to avoid the 80-minute Saturday morning runs. And if I had to go I complained the whole way. Hundreds of people in wheelchairs, and people with prosthetic legs, people who are blind run these marathons. I'm telling you, it's awesome. So sign yourself up! Who says you have to run the whole thing? Or at least get out and cheer during a marathon!! Those high fives and smiles at mile 10 make you think, "Okay, I'm almost there! I can make it!"
I just wanted to do a quick post and let you know where I'm at in life. Please, leave me a comment about where YOU are and what I can be praying about for you (I'm not kidding. Please do it!!) I filled out my application to return to Casas for a second internship...and I am very excited yet broken-hearted at the same time. Excited because I love it there, broken-hearted because I will be leaving my family again (however, there's always the possibility that door won't be opened and I will be here next summer). But I guess that's part of growing up. I am so blessed to get to see my family as often as I do. And blessed that they are so awesome. I think my dad makes me laugh every time we go out to eat now. He will say just about anything!
PS. If you are reading this and have donated/prayed for our group going to Mexico this winter, I am so grateful and the team is too. Thank you for helping us give a family a home in the 20 degree weather. One of the biggest misunderstandings is that it is warm in Juarez this time of year. It was 19 there the other night and there is a three year waiting list of families who have signed up for a house. If you'd like to know how you can go build or get on a team, please let me know. Please pray for me, Kalynn, Sarah, Stephanie, Sharisse, Heather, Micki, Lehr, Raphael, and Alexis as we build for Eustaquio and Maria December 27th thru January 1st.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Letters
So, I've been messing with the background of my blog, and if you haven't noticed, I have no clue about anything to do with HTML. I kind of like the map theme, so I guess I'll keep that for now.
Today is Saturday, and on most Saturdays, I like to clean. I enjoy it. Weird, I know. My mom sometimes tells me I might hate it someday when I'm constantly picking up after children. I guess we'll see.
I found a huge pile of mail that's been sitting in our living room for, oh, about two months. I sorted through it, and since I knew that most of it was junk, I tossed it. But at the bottom was a letter addressed to me, in my own hand-writing. I couldn't remember why I'd sent myself anything (but with my crazy mind, who knows?) So I tore it open and when I unfolded the letter I remembered. Five months ago I was at church camp and one night we were told to write a letter to ourselves about what God was doing in our lives that week. I feel like, even though this letter arrived at my apartment two months ago, I opened it at just the right time.
I'd like to share it with you:
"Dear Aubrie,
It is June 25th and you are already halfway through your internship at Casas. You have learned to try to seek inner beauty as God calls us to do in 1 Peter. God has spoken a lot to your heart regarding your future and on being patient; on laying burdens down and looking ahead; on treasuring life because as you saw at the nursing home yesterday, it passes quickly.
You have seen the same thing happening to students this week as happened to you five years ago in the Ozark mountains at Survive. God is doing some amazing things here in Mexico and at the camp, but one thing you've realized...you've been so dry. Seek God. He is our healing water. You'll probably be back at school when you get this. Keep going, even if you hate it. God will use it. Think of Mexico and think of all the orphans and children you can hopefully one day teach.
Don't forget about this camp and these kids. Pray for them. Pray for Mexico. Love yourself as God has made you. Love others. Be patient."
I can remember writing this letter without a ton of thought, because all week at camp I was thinking about how I was there to help those students and I wasn't there to let God change me too.
Well, something else I do on Saturday is tailgating. And watching K-State football. I am so thankful for my wonderful family. My parents still take care of me. I'm not sure when the day will come when I am fully taking care of myself...scary. And then tonight I am in charge of two sixteen year-olds, aka my sister and her best friend. It's gonna be a blast. Probably because I still think I'm sixteen sometimes.
Today is Saturday, and on most Saturdays, I like to clean. I enjoy it. Weird, I know. My mom sometimes tells me I might hate it someday when I'm constantly picking up after children. I guess we'll see.
I found a huge pile of mail that's been sitting in our living room for, oh, about two months. I sorted through it, and since I knew that most of it was junk, I tossed it. But at the bottom was a letter addressed to me, in my own hand-writing. I couldn't remember why I'd sent myself anything (but with my crazy mind, who knows?) So I tore it open and when I unfolded the letter I remembered. Five months ago I was at church camp and one night we were told to write a letter to ourselves about what God was doing in our lives that week. I feel like, even though this letter arrived at my apartment two months ago, I opened it at just the right time.
I'd like to share it with you:
"Dear Aubrie,
It is June 25th and you are already halfway through your internship at Casas. You have learned to try to seek inner beauty as God calls us to do in 1 Peter. God has spoken a lot to your heart regarding your future and on being patient; on laying burdens down and looking ahead; on treasuring life because as you saw at the nursing home yesterday, it passes quickly.
You have seen the same thing happening to students this week as happened to you five years ago in the Ozark mountains at Survive. God is doing some amazing things here in Mexico and at the camp, but one thing you've realized...you've been so dry. Seek God. He is our healing water. You'll probably be back at school when you get this. Keep going, even if you hate it. God will use it. Think of Mexico and think of all the orphans and children you can hopefully one day teach.
Don't forget about this camp and these kids. Pray for them. Pray for Mexico. Love yourself as God has made you. Love others. Be patient."
I can remember writing this letter without a ton of thought, because all week at camp I was thinking about how I was there to help those students and I wasn't there to let God change me too.
Well, something else I do on Saturday is tailgating. And watching K-State football. I am so thankful for my wonderful family. My parents still take care of me. I'm not sure when the day will come when I am fully taking care of myself...scary. And then tonight I am in charge of two sixteen year-olds, aka my sister and her best friend. It's gonna be a blast. Probably because I still think I'm sixteen sometimes.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Heaven
I think we all, no matter our beliefs, know that there is more than this world. We know that more exists. We know that deep down, we were meant for more than what we see before us.
September and October were a blur for me. Trying to process this summer and do homework at the same time just made the days blend together. I am coming out stronger. I still have days where my heart feels like it’s about to shatter….and, you know, I can’t put my finger on what exactly it is that makes me so sad. Is it the fact that I know that thousands of people will die today because they have no food or shelter while I sit in class? Is it that I miss the people I became so close with this summer? Is it because I see my friends’ lives beginning to go places and mine just seems to be on hold? Is it because I love my family and want to move home and spend time with them but at the same time I want to be in Juárez loving on those precious children?
I think it all comes down to one thing: we are not meant for this world. I don’t know if you’ve heard it, but I’ve been listening to “Heaven is the Face” by Steven Curtis Chapman over and over again. If you don’t know, his little girl was killed in an accident a couple years ago; this song is written about her and heaven. It’s a tear-jerker, but it’s beautiful.
I read through the comments on the video on YouTube and they are full of pain, yet hope at the same time. People who have lost children, parents, friends, and other family members. People clinging to God and people searching for God. People desperate to just be near Him.
I was talking to Kevin (another intern) the other night and I think that we both agree that this summer was so hard to come away from because we got a small glimpse of heaven in the sense that we had true community. I’ve never been around people who are so quick to call out all the junk in your life, but encourage you to change. I’ve never been around people who are willing to give up everything to chase after God and what He’s doing in this world. Life is so much more than we make it sometimes.
Last night at Challenge (my campus ministry), our speaker talked about how Jesus is the only thing that satisfies. Eternity is a long time…so if you’re reading this and you have no clue who Christ is, He wants to know you. Eternity is a LONG time. It’s forever. It doesn’t change. This world isn’t going to last. We get our short time here and then we leave. I want to see you there in heaven. I want to spend eternity with all of you. Anyone who’s reading this.
Paul said that it was his hearts desire to know Christ and to know his sufferings (Philippians 3) because it was worth it, because he gained eternal life through him. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get there. Seek Christ. Give up the things you put in front of Him, because it’s just not worth it. By giving up, gain everything.
September and October were a blur for me. Trying to process this summer and do homework at the same time just made the days blend together. I am coming out stronger. I still have days where my heart feels like it’s about to shatter….and, you know, I can’t put my finger on what exactly it is that makes me so sad. Is it the fact that I know that thousands of people will die today because they have no food or shelter while I sit in class? Is it that I miss the people I became so close with this summer? Is it because I see my friends’ lives beginning to go places and mine just seems to be on hold? Is it because I love my family and want to move home and spend time with them but at the same time I want to be in Juárez loving on those precious children?
I think it all comes down to one thing: we are not meant for this world. I don’t know if you’ve heard it, but I’ve been listening to “Heaven is the Face” by Steven Curtis Chapman over and over again. If you don’t know, his little girl was killed in an accident a couple years ago; this song is written about her and heaven. It’s a tear-jerker, but it’s beautiful.
I read through the comments on the video on YouTube and they are full of pain, yet hope at the same time. People who have lost children, parents, friends, and other family members. People clinging to God and people searching for God. People desperate to just be near Him.
I was talking to Kevin (another intern) the other night and I think that we both agree that this summer was so hard to come away from because we got a small glimpse of heaven in the sense that we had true community. I’ve never been around people who are so quick to call out all the junk in your life, but encourage you to change. I’ve never been around people who are willing to give up everything to chase after God and what He’s doing in this world. Life is so much more than we make it sometimes.
Last night at Challenge (my campus ministry), our speaker talked about how Jesus is the only thing that satisfies. Eternity is a long time…so if you’re reading this and you have no clue who Christ is, He wants to know you. Eternity is a LONG time. It’s forever. It doesn’t change. This world isn’t going to last. We get our short time here and then we leave. I want to see you there in heaven. I want to spend eternity with all of you. Anyone who’s reading this.
Paul said that it was his hearts desire to know Christ and to know his sufferings (Philippians 3) because it was worth it, because he gained eternal life through him. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get there. Seek Christ. Give up the things you put in front of Him, because it’s just not worth it. By giving up, gain everything.
Monday, October 25, 2010
updates.
Well, I feel like it's been forever since I last posted. Life has been crazy! I was talking to a friend about wanting to get together this week and I realized I don't have a free night until next Sunday!
I have been doing so much better since I got back in August. I went through a stage for about 2 months where I wasn't sure how I was going to make it to December. And now I'm here. It's almost November and I'm feeling more like myself again, just even more dependent on God.
I've still been asking myself why I was sent to Mexico this summer. I might have said this before, but I feel like I was called there even before I went for the first time. I can remember wanting to go on a missions trip with my church to Juarez in 2006, and I didn't get to go. When the team came back and showed the video that Sunday at church, my heart was racing and I felt sick to my stomach. I knew I wanted to be there. So I applied for the next trip in 2007, and had the time of my life that week. I can remember playing with those kids and my heart breaking when we left Mexico at the end of that week. I came back again in June of 2008, again in June 2009, again in March 2010, and then of course did the internship this past summer. I'd say that might be God trying to tell me something. I've been praying about it and so have others, and I feel a great sense of peace in applying for next summer. I need to stop forgetting that God is big enough to close that door if it's not his plan for me!
A friend of mine gave me the advice to just apply and pray that God opens that door, which is what I think I am going to do. The weird thing is, building is not my passion, but Mexico is. And I have the feeling that just being there in the summers is going to open a door to something that includes my passion, which includes teaching and the impoverished.
I don't think that after this summer I can just apply for any job here and be completely happy. We all know that when you go against what God calls you to do, you're unsettled.
I think one of the most amazing things about God is that He gives us passion for something. I am passionate about Mexico and would love to see other Central/South American countries. However, for example, I really have no desire to go to Asia (and I don't mean that offensively at all), but I know so many who are just as passionate about Asia as I am about Central/South America. I have friends who are passionate about the children and people of the United States. I have friends who are so passionate about different things, and it's so amazing!
Whatever your passion is, whether it's traveling, writing, doing hair/makeup, speaking another language, use it to God's glory! He gave you that passion for a reason, so don't go against it. Just make sure it's a godly passion, and that you're not pushing him out of the picture!
So, I've been doing much better in general. No more crying, no more feeling sad every day because I'm not in Mexico. I'm planning a trip back in December and right now we're just working on raising the funds. God is humbling me in that over the past month we have raised $2000 out of the total $5000 that we need. He is so good to us.
Please remember the people of Mexico (and those all around the world) in your prayers as winter sets in. So many people will not make it through today because they have no food or shelter.
There's a world outside
That is burning
While I'm turning blinded eyes
While I stand by
I won't survive
To live this ordinary life
I'm not alive
To live this ordinary life
And I will try
To see this world I live in
With Your eyes
To love this world You've given
With my life
To see this world I live in
With Your eyes
To love this world You've given
With my life
-Starfield "Ordinary Life"
I have been doing so much better since I got back in August. I went through a stage for about 2 months where I wasn't sure how I was going to make it to December. And now I'm here. It's almost November and I'm feeling more like myself again, just even more dependent on God.
I've still been asking myself why I was sent to Mexico this summer. I might have said this before, but I feel like I was called there even before I went for the first time. I can remember wanting to go on a missions trip with my church to Juarez in 2006, and I didn't get to go. When the team came back and showed the video that Sunday at church, my heart was racing and I felt sick to my stomach. I knew I wanted to be there. So I applied for the next trip in 2007, and had the time of my life that week. I can remember playing with those kids and my heart breaking when we left Mexico at the end of that week. I came back again in June of 2008, again in June 2009, again in March 2010, and then of course did the internship this past summer. I'd say that might be God trying to tell me something. I've been praying about it and so have others, and I feel a great sense of peace in applying for next summer. I need to stop forgetting that God is big enough to close that door if it's not his plan for me!
A friend of mine gave me the advice to just apply and pray that God opens that door, which is what I think I am going to do. The weird thing is, building is not my passion, but Mexico is. And I have the feeling that just being there in the summers is going to open a door to something that includes my passion, which includes teaching and the impoverished.
I don't think that after this summer I can just apply for any job here and be completely happy. We all know that when you go against what God calls you to do, you're unsettled.
I think one of the most amazing things about God is that He gives us passion for something. I am passionate about Mexico and would love to see other Central/South American countries. However, for example, I really have no desire to go to Asia (and I don't mean that offensively at all), but I know so many who are just as passionate about Asia as I am about Central/South America. I have friends who are passionate about the children and people of the United States. I have friends who are so passionate about different things, and it's so amazing!
Whatever your passion is, whether it's traveling, writing, doing hair/makeup, speaking another language, use it to God's glory! He gave you that passion for a reason, so don't go against it. Just make sure it's a godly passion, and that you're not pushing him out of the picture!
So, I've been doing much better in general. No more crying, no more feeling sad every day because I'm not in Mexico. I'm planning a trip back in December and right now we're just working on raising the funds. God is humbling me in that over the past month we have raised $2000 out of the total $5000 that we need. He is so good to us.
Please remember the people of Mexico (and those all around the world) in your prayers as winter sets in. So many people will not make it through today because they have no food or shelter.
There's a world outside
That is burning
While I'm turning blinded eyes
While I stand by
I won't survive
To live this ordinary life
I'm not alive
To live this ordinary life
And I will try
To see this world I live in
With Your eyes
To love this world You've given
With my life
To see this world I live in
With Your eyes
To love this world You've given
With my life
-Starfield "Ordinary Life"
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Reflections
So last Saturday I was at a K-State game (I guess I do a lot of thinking there apparently). If you didn't see on the news, there were some pretty crazy clouds going on around us. It got really dark and scary, and the clouds off to my right started to rotate and get closer to the ground, which any Kansan knows means one thing - tornado. My heartbeat picked up as I looked around at the 50,000 people in the stadium around me. What would really happen if an ACTUAL tornado came through that place? I glanced back at the clouds, still eerily rotating near the stadium, and looked at my sister, whose eyes were widening. The marching band started leaving, and that's when I said, "Um, we're getting out of here."
A tornado never touched down that day, but I could see people starting to leave the stadium, some more worried than others. And I thought, "We are so incapable of saving ourselves. Without God, we are hopeless." No matter how much we like to think, we are not in charge of this planet. I thought about how anytime something terrifying or devastating happens, even the people who said they'd never turn to God end up on their knees. We are in need. It is only in times of need (for some reason) that differences are thrown out and everyone begins to bond together.
It is 1 a.m. as I sit here typing this. I was going to go to bed until I decided to go through some old pictures. My mom made me two scrapbooks when I graduated high school of pictures from my birth up until the summer before I left for college. My grandma made me one of the earlier years of my life, and then I have one that I made of my trip to Spain in 2006.
As I have been clinging to God after returning from the best, yet hardest, summer of my life, I am realizing how young I still am and how much I have ahead of me. As I look at the pictures from high school and before, I remember the times that I stressed over different things. I remember the fights I had with friends. I remember the tests I worried about, the things I wanted for myself, the tears I shed over random events. I am slowly realizing that the things that have happened in my life are so small compared to the big picture. I always say that high school was the best time of my life...and it was only four years! Four years at the time seemed like an eternity. Now I am almost done with college, and know that in a year I'm going to be facing the next big step in my life.
I am realizing that there is so much more to life than just living. Life is so much more than we make it out to be. I think about the future a lot, and I wonder when I am 70 if I will wish that I could do anything over. I hope this is not the case. I hope that when I am 70 I can say I lived my life to the fullest. Right now this is hard for me as most of the time it's all I can do to get out of bed and go to class.
But as I feel God draw closer to me, I grow more anxious for the life that awaits me. Like he's always telling me, "Just wait, there's more." No matter how much we don't want it to, time flies. Our lives are so small on this time line we call history. And afterward we have an eternity ahead of us. I want you to know my Jesus, because He's the only one that can carry you there. I want you to know that no matter how badly you've screwed up, He still wants you. And that although our lives are small, God uses them to do big things.
Oh, and I was thinking: Girls, what if we spent more time in the Bible than we did reading magazines? I have loved magazines all my life, and I think I've come to the conclusion that they're half the problem as to most of us struggle with self-esteem. I had a magazine that on one page told me this shirt would hide my stomach flaws, and the next page was about a girl who struggles with anorexia and how I should be happy with the way I am...?
Spend some time reading the words God has written to you, and they might just change how you think about yourself.
A tornado never touched down that day, but I could see people starting to leave the stadium, some more worried than others. And I thought, "We are so incapable of saving ourselves. Without God, we are hopeless." No matter how much we like to think, we are not in charge of this planet. I thought about how anytime something terrifying or devastating happens, even the people who said they'd never turn to God end up on their knees. We are in need. It is only in times of need (for some reason) that differences are thrown out and everyone begins to bond together.
It is 1 a.m. as I sit here typing this. I was going to go to bed until I decided to go through some old pictures. My mom made me two scrapbooks when I graduated high school of pictures from my birth up until the summer before I left for college. My grandma made me one of the earlier years of my life, and then I have one that I made of my trip to Spain in 2006.
As I have been clinging to God after returning from the best, yet hardest, summer of my life, I am realizing how young I still am and how much I have ahead of me. As I look at the pictures from high school and before, I remember the times that I stressed over different things. I remember the fights I had with friends. I remember the tests I worried about, the things I wanted for myself, the tears I shed over random events. I am slowly realizing that the things that have happened in my life are so small compared to the big picture. I always say that high school was the best time of my life...and it was only four years! Four years at the time seemed like an eternity. Now I am almost done with college, and know that in a year I'm going to be facing the next big step in my life.
I am realizing that there is so much more to life than just living. Life is so much more than we make it out to be. I think about the future a lot, and I wonder when I am 70 if I will wish that I could do anything over. I hope this is not the case. I hope that when I am 70 I can say I lived my life to the fullest. Right now this is hard for me as most of the time it's all I can do to get out of bed and go to class.
But as I feel God draw closer to me, I grow more anxious for the life that awaits me. Like he's always telling me, "Just wait, there's more." No matter how much we don't want it to, time flies. Our lives are so small on this time line we call history. And afterward we have an eternity ahead of us. I want you to know my Jesus, because He's the only one that can carry you there. I want you to know that no matter how badly you've screwed up, He still wants you. And that although our lives are small, God uses them to do big things.
Oh, and I was thinking: Girls, what if we spent more time in the Bible than we did reading magazines? I have loved magazines all my life, and I think I've come to the conclusion that they're half the problem as to most of us struggle with self-esteem. I had a magazine that on one page told me this shirt would hide my stomach flaws, and the next page was about a girl who struggles with anorexia and how I should be happy with the way I am...?
Spend some time reading the words God has written to you, and they might just change how you think about yourself.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
What is beauty?
I think most of us can admit that we like people-watching. I always have, but I never really thought about it that much until a couple nights ago. I especially like to watch how other girls interact with each other; how they carry themselves; how they act. It's interesting to me because I often find myself wondering if they know that they are loved by an amazing Father, and that they are beautiful.
Last night I was at the K-State football game, which is a pretty good people-watching opportunity if you ask me. The girl behind me along with the girl in front of me, was yelling all kinds of hateful and demeaning words at the other team and at the refs. I turned to my left and watched a guy pull a beer out of his pocket that he had snuck in, and pour the younger girl behind him a big glass of Bud Light, and then I watched as this guy finished off the beer and then fell off the bench while the girls around him caught him.
I watched as two girls walked past me with their shirts rolled all the way up under their chests, baring their entire stomachs.
I am not writing this judgmentally, but rather with a broken heart, because I'm the same way. Why is it that especially as women we are so uncomfortable with ourselves? Why is it that women usually have no respect for themselves? What possesses us to walk down the street half-naked wearing so much makeup that you can't even see pores?
The other night, I was watching Mean Girls (yes, I like that movie!) and there's a scene where the "Plastics" each look in the mirror and say things they hate about themselves, like "At least you guys can wear halters, I have man shoulders," or "My hairline is so weird" or, "My hips are huge!" It seems ridiculous, but it is so true.
I can stand in the mirror and pick out a lot of things I would change about myself. The mirror is a scary thing for me. Like the fact that I still break out like I'm 14 and my face is scarred despite the hundreds of dollars my parents poured into trying to fix my skin. I cannot tell you how many dermatologists I've seen, how many medications I've taken, how many tears I've cried over this, and how many creams and soaps I've put on my face. But, like most girls, I feel like that flaw is all that people see.
Someone told me this summer (and I hope you are reading this) that my identity is not found in how I look or what I wear. It is in Christ. But for some reason I still cling to these things that I hate about myself. The things that make me say, "How can anyone love you?!" I haven't found the answer to that. Maybe it's because perfection (so-called) has been instilled in us since we were babies. It's in magazines, movies, ads, on billboards, on the internet, and in books.
Or maybe we long for perfection because that's how we were created to be. We weren't created for sickness, for self-hatred, or to be insecure. We were created in the image of God.
"I want to be beautiful,
Make you stand in awe,
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed.
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough.
Just want to be worthy of love,
and beautiful" - bethany dillon
We have let beauty become something that is created by computer programs, when God has told us that as His daughters our beauty should come from within, not from jewelry, not from clothing, and not from "fancy hairstyles" and definitely not from Photoshop.
So, the next time you look in the mirror and start to ridicule yourself, STOP. Open your Bible. Read 1 Peter 3:3-4. This might sound funny, but I believe God made women mysterious for a reason. Stop freely giving that mystery away.
Two things: Respect yourself. You are beautiful.
Last night I was at the K-State football game, which is a pretty good people-watching opportunity if you ask me. The girl behind me along with the girl in front of me, was yelling all kinds of hateful and demeaning words at the other team and at the refs. I turned to my left and watched a guy pull a beer out of his pocket that he had snuck in, and pour the younger girl behind him a big glass of Bud Light, and then I watched as this guy finished off the beer and then fell off the bench while the girls around him caught him.
I watched as two girls walked past me with their shirts rolled all the way up under their chests, baring their entire stomachs.
I am not writing this judgmentally, but rather with a broken heart, because I'm the same way. Why is it that especially as women we are so uncomfortable with ourselves? Why is it that women usually have no respect for themselves? What possesses us to walk down the street half-naked wearing so much makeup that you can't even see pores?
The other night, I was watching Mean Girls (yes, I like that movie!) and there's a scene where the "Plastics" each look in the mirror and say things they hate about themselves, like "At least you guys can wear halters, I have man shoulders," or "My hairline is so weird" or, "My hips are huge!" It seems ridiculous, but it is so true.
I can stand in the mirror and pick out a lot of things I would change about myself. The mirror is a scary thing for me. Like the fact that I still break out like I'm 14 and my face is scarred despite the hundreds of dollars my parents poured into trying to fix my skin. I cannot tell you how many dermatologists I've seen, how many medications I've taken, how many tears I've cried over this, and how many creams and soaps I've put on my face. But, like most girls, I feel like that flaw is all that people see.
Someone told me this summer (and I hope you are reading this) that my identity is not found in how I look or what I wear. It is in Christ. But for some reason I still cling to these things that I hate about myself. The things that make me say, "How can anyone love you?!" I haven't found the answer to that. Maybe it's because perfection (so-called) has been instilled in us since we were babies. It's in magazines, movies, ads, on billboards, on the internet, and in books.
Or maybe we long for perfection because that's how we were created to be. We weren't created for sickness, for self-hatred, or to be insecure. We were created in the image of God.
"I want to be beautiful,
Make you stand in awe,
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed.
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough.
Just want to be worthy of love,
and beautiful" - bethany dillon
We have let beauty become something that is created by computer programs, when God has told us that as His daughters our beauty should come from within, not from jewelry, not from clothing, and not from "fancy hairstyles" and definitely not from Photoshop.
So, the next time you look in the mirror and start to ridicule yourself, STOP. Open your Bible. Read 1 Peter 3:3-4. This might sound funny, but I believe God made women mysterious for a reason. Stop freely giving that mystery away.
Two things: Respect yourself. You are beautiful.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Coming Home
I've been wanting to write a new post for a while now, but wasn't really sure what to write. And I'm not sure this one will have a point or make sense...but here it goes.
I flew back into Wichita on August 14th, and my family was waiting for me there. I started crying before I even got to them. I cried that morning when I left El Paso, too. The first time I had cried all summer. I cried off and on for the next couple days.
Coming home, although I love my family and friends, has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I can remember the morning of May 15th, I knocked on my mom's bathroom door as she was getting ready and said, "I can't do this. I can't go."
When they dropped me off at the airport in May, I was terrified. My pastor hugged me and said, "Trust God" and that rang in my ears all the way to El Paso and throughout this summer.
Now it's September, and I'm really struggling. I don't want to be here, but I know I can't just drop everything and go back to Mexico. I have these moments where I think I am going insane, moments that make me wonder if this summer really happened. I find myself zoned out in class replaying memories in my head. I have no motivation whatsoever to do my homework or study. I found myself sitting at my desk today saying, "I can't do this. I cannot finish school."
And then it hit me. I said that this summer too. I remember climbing into Bo (the truck) and sitting next to Shane at 5:45 in the morning, leaning my head back, and saying, "I'm SO exhausted. I don't know how much longer I can do this." (I have to tell you I have never been that exhausted in my life.)
You probably wonder how I can love doing something that takes every ounce of energy. I have no clue, either. I'll just say it's a God thing.
That was over a month ago. And here I am, almost wishing my life away until the next time I get to be in Mexico.
So this semester I've decided that I want to pour into others just like I was constantly poured into this summer. I joined a new Bible study, which I love so far, and am trying to constantly remind people that I am praying for them, and then ACTUALLY PRAY for them.
Someone told me that this summer was going to have the potential to turn my life upside down...she was right.
Someone before this summer also told me that we choose to be positive about the harder times of our lives or we can be negative and make them stink even more than they do already. I choose to make this part great, despite the fact that my heart is going a little crazy.
Acts 20:24 - "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me--the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace."
I flew back into Wichita on August 14th, and my family was waiting for me there. I started crying before I even got to them. I cried that morning when I left El Paso, too. The first time I had cried all summer. I cried off and on for the next couple days.
Coming home, although I love my family and friends, has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I can remember the morning of May 15th, I knocked on my mom's bathroom door as she was getting ready and said, "I can't do this. I can't go."
When they dropped me off at the airport in May, I was terrified. My pastor hugged me and said, "Trust God" and that rang in my ears all the way to El Paso and throughout this summer.
Now it's September, and I'm really struggling. I don't want to be here, but I know I can't just drop everything and go back to Mexico. I have these moments where I think I am going insane, moments that make me wonder if this summer really happened. I find myself zoned out in class replaying memories in my head. I have no motivation whatsoever to do my homework or study. I found myself sitting at my desk today saying, "I can't do this. I cannot finish school."
And then it hit me. I said that this summer too. I remember climbing into Bo (the truck) and sitting next to Shane at 5:45 in the morning, leaning my head back, and saying, "I'm SO exhausted. I don't know how much longer I can do this." (I have to tell you I have never been that exhausted in my life.)
You probably wonder how I can love doing something that takes every ounce of energy. I have no clue, either. I'll just say it's a God thing.
That was over a month ago. And here I am, almost wishing my life away until the next time I get to be in Mexico.
So this semester I've decided that I want to pour into others just like I was constantly poured into this summer. I joined a new Bible study, which I love so far, and am trying to constantly remind people that I am praying for them, and then ACTUALLY PRAY for them.
Someone told me that this summer was going to have the potential to turn my life upside down...she was right.
Someone before this summer also told me that we choose to be positive about the harder times of our lives or we can be negative and make them stink even more than they do already. I choose to make this part great, despite the fact that my heart is going a little crazy.
Acts 20:24 - "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me--the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace."
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