midnight thoughts.

I haven't been able to sleep the past two nights. It might be the fact that it is 7:30 in Hawaii. It might also very much be the fact that six years ago at Survive Jeff Mangum prayed that when God had something to tell us we wouldn't be able to sleep at night. I don't know why I remember this. But God remembers it.

I don't know what God's trying to tell me, to be honest. But I know that my heart is restless. Lately, with the thought of graduation in the back of my mind, I've been terrified that somehow I will mess up God's plan for my life. For the past four years, I've believed that I belonged in Mexico, teaching or building or just simply loving on people. But for the life of me I can't understand why I think about being there more than anyone else, and yet I'm not there.

Some people may think I have lame excuses for not being there this summer. It's driving me absolutely insane, watching pictures go up every week of families who are receiving homes. And maybe I need to stop and remember that whether I'm there or not, families get new houses and hear about Jesus' love for them...and that's the thing that matters.

So I looked up some verses about God's plans, and the one's I found were these:

"...the LORD searches all hearts and understands every plan and thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you, but if you forsake him, he will cast you off forever." - 1 Chron. 28:9

"...for if this plan or this undertaking is of man, it will fail..." - Acts 5:38

"May he grant you your heart’s desireand fulfill all your plans!" - Psalm 20:4

"The counsel of the LORD stands forever,the plans of his heart to all generations." - Psalm 33:11

"Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed." - Proverbs 15:22

"The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the LORD." - Proverbs 16:1

"The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." - Proverbs 16:9

There's a lot more, but I'm going to stop at this one. Because I think it's here that I find my answer. I can plan and plan and plan. My heart can even be poured into each of those plans. But God is the one who ultimately establishes and finalizes those plans. He's the one who makes it all happen.

I just need to learn to trust that this is true. God is big enough to handle my mistakes and he's big enough to know what to do when I veer off the path. I'm tired of worrying about planning my future. So here's to upcoming senior year (part 2). Sharisse, Liz, and I are going to make it a year to remember.

Sorry if you're tired of reading about Mexico. People tell me they're tired of hearing about it. But when I prayed a while ago that God would align my dreams with his, I believe he answered. I believe that he wants the people of a nearly-forgotten city to know that he loves them. They aren't forgotten by him and they aren't forgotten by us, no matter what the media posts about them. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm just passionate. Maybe the two go hand-in-hand. But when my life is over I want to know that God used my life to make a difference.

“There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart...pursue those.” - Michael Nolan

prayer requests and stuff about life.

I can't believe it's June. Again. Like I say over and over, God has been working so much in my life just in the past year. To say I've been great lately would probably be a lie. I go through these weird times when I feel like giving up on God and going back to the plans that I had for my life before I decided to follow Christ. And then I remember I am hopeless without Him. I open the Bible to a certain scripture that refreshes my faith and gives me strength.

Last week I went to Hawaii with my family and I had a lot of time to think while I was there. This is a huge prayer request. And I ask that you would please pray seriously with me over this. Last year we went to Juarez in December to build a home for a homeless family with Casas por Cristo. We raised nearly all the funds, took two cars, a small van, and nine 20-somethings to build a home in the bitter cold. Yes, it's cold there in the winter. It snowed on our last day. You can read about that build here.

Well, although it's June, December will be here before we know it, along with the cold and snow that threatens to take the lives of families living in cardboard boxes and houses made of pallets and box springs.

To be brutally honest, I dread the money part of this trip. It stresses me out. I try to give it all to God, but I worry, "What if it all doesn't come in? What if we only reach $3000 and have to find a way to give it all back to the donors?" But I'm not going to let that dread stop a team of willing people from going and being the hands and feet of Christ!

I'm going to set the bar at $6500. We need $4700 for the materials for the house. That leaves us about $1800 for food, gas, truck rental, offerings, and gifts/necessities for the family. (I think last year we spent about $800 in gas...it's EXPENSIVE.) More than $6500 would be amazing, because anything leftover would get put back into Casas or given to a Casas rep.

I'm just laying the cost out there plainly. Please help me pray for the money to come in. If you have fundraising ideas, post them here! And if you want to go, email me, leave me a comment, Facebook me. You don't need to be good at construction or speaking Spanish. Just come! :) The more money we raise and the more people we get to sign up, the less the cost will be per person. I'd really hate for money to be the only thing stopping us from providing a home for a family.

Thank you so much!

observations.

Today I hit the library because I was bored. I love the library. Sharisse's sister and I agree that having a library-scented candle would the totally awesome. I especially like the teen books section. I just can't get into a lot of the grown up stuff yet! I love to spend some time diving into Meg Cabot or Lurlene McDaniel. My roommate Sarah and I have a mutual love for Lurlene. Journey of Hope was my inspiration to go into missions. Not kidding. You should check it out. But you will cry.

As I was scanning the shelves for nothing in particular I noticed a girl sitting in a chair at the end of the bookshelf. She was probably five-ish. And she was flipping through a magazine called M-14 or something like that. I don't even know. But she stopped on a page with a girl wearing almost nothing, skin shiny, long wavy hair and a flawless face. She stared at the picture for a while, and I can't help but wonder what was going through her little mind. That is just the beginning for most little girls. And they don't even realize it. (I realize that it is not proper to start sentences with the word "and," but I like the way it looks. Besides, famous authors do it.)

Anyways, that was my observation for the day. It kinda tore at my heart. Because the woman in the picture is who all girls strive to be but will never achieve. Photoshoppers call it art. I can't say I agree.

Dove puts these videos up and I like some of them. I know there's a whole argument about what Dove stands for because their products are like ruining the world or something (I don't know the story) but I like the videos because they are true. You can watch some of them on YouTube....one of them in particular is really good but has some nudity/plastic surgery/kinda graphic stuff so I didn't want to post it on here.

"By the grace of God, I am what I am." - 1 Corinthians 15:10

what's going on.

I've been wanting to write for a while, but wasn't sure what to post. I decided to put up some of the things God has been teaching me and just random stuff going on in my life.

1) Patience, patience, patience. As I watch some of my friends' lives taking off (I was supposed to graduate this year) I feel a sense of loneliness, although I am surrounded by good friends. God has blessed me with a great roommate, and because we're flying solo now in the apt. we hang out a lot! We are trying to plan an epic camping trip on very little cash. I am watching friends leave for jobs, internships, summer camps, and to serve in other countries. In church today I was thinking about how restless my heart has been, and it's like God was saying, "Aubrie, you need to chill out." I guess I feel like He's telling me that my life will "take off" soon enough. So I will be spending this summer in Bible study, reading, resting, hanging out and impacting the people around me. Compared to last summer, I feel....lazy? But I know that God is using me in ways that I probably don't realize. Things I don't miss about Mexico: getting sick a lot...that's it.

2) I have become addicted to America's Next Top Model. It does not help that every episode since season 1 is on YouTube. Gah. I need to get over it already! I guess I can't bash The Bachelor anymore!

3) I have been researching some different ministries I'd like to work for after I graduate. Many of them need ESL teachers and I've ALWAYS wanted to teach abroad. I'm looking at Makarios International and NICS...but we'll see. Part of me wouldn't mind teaching in the States if that's what God calls me to....but again I've ALWAYS wanted to teach abroad. :) It is so crazy to think that this journey may begin in just a year.

4) In talking about working for a ministry, most ministries require you to raise your own salary. I am terrified about this. It's not that I don't trust God to take care of me, I just don't like asking for money. And I have debt. Not a lot, but some. When I was 8 I struggled asking people to buy Girl Scout cookies...so we'll see how the money thing goes.

5) This summer I'm going to start training for my fourth half-marathon! I just don't know if I'll ever be hardcore enough to do a full. Kansas is so dang hot that I am going to have to get up at like the behind-crack of dawn to run. Because in Manhattan the creepers come out at night and there's no way I'm going out then! This race is in September in Omaha. Gonna be H.O.T. I've never been to Omaha. And I don't like Nebraska that much. But it should be fun!

If you've read to this point, I am sorry that I have nothing deep to tell you. Only that although the rapture has not happened, it will! One thing I want to work on this summer is living prepared.

"But concerning that day or that hour, no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. Be on guard, keep awake. For you do not know when the time will come. It is like a man going on a journey, when he leaves home and puts his servants in charge, each with his work, and commands the doorkeeper to stay awake. Therefore stay awake—for you do not know when the master of the house will come, in the evening, or at midnight, or when the rooster crows, or in the morning— lest he come suddenly and find you asleep. And what I say to you I say to all: Stay awake."
- Mark 13:32-36

Of course, God isn't saying, "YOU CAN NEVER GO TO SLEEP." Just be prepared. Today in church Pastor Ryan told us that we need to think about Christ before we go to sleep and when we get up...a good challenge. I hope this post finds you all well! Please let me know how I can be praying for any of you.

And again, I miss Mexico. Please, please, pray for the families this summer who are still waiting on homes. Many people will die in the heat this summer. Blunt and harsh? Yes. True? Definitely. Does it have to be that way? No. Interested in coming to build? Let me know!

Thanks to Google (and the original photographer) for the picture.

the road not taken.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. - Robert Frost

my heart is wandering.

Well, my goal tonight was to finish these portfolios, one for block 1 and one for ESL, but my mind and heart just aren't here.

It's been almost a year since I left for Mexico and God has done some amazing things in my life since then. I've cried, doubted, sought, laughed, remembered, learned, cried some more, crawled, run, faked it on the hard days, and pushed through two semesters of college that I thought I'd never see the end of. The first thing I want to say is this: to everyone at Casas, thank you. To the Roth's for taking us into your home, feeding us, playing games with us, teaching us. To my prayer partners (you know who you are :)) for praying for me and walking with me. To every woman at Casas for helping me see who God really desires me to be and not what the world desires me to be and for showing me what women are capable of. Each of you women has inspired me in a way that you will probably never know. I know that I left and said, "Thank you," but I don't think you realize how much my life has been changed by last summer. I saw things that broke my heart and I had times when I was ready to walk away. I made friends who are now like family to me. I know people from last summer on a deeper level than I know many of my good friends here.

I am realizing lately how blessed I am by the people around me. My Casas family, my family, my friends. My parents are also such an inspiration to me. Again, I remember the morning I was leaving for my internship, and I suddenly didn't want to go. I was all of a sudden terrified. And I came to my mom's bathroom, and I said, "I can't go." My mom hugged me, and we both cried, and she said, "You can do this." I will always remember that moment.

My dad and his hard-working self. My poor mom might have to keep him strapped down this week after his surgery so that he doesn't try to go to work! My sister, who always makes me laugh and encourages me. My fashion advice and my go-to when I need to steal a shirt or shampoo. My sister, from whom I would LOVE to steal shoes but she's the lucky one with the size 8 feet. These 10s ain't gettin' in those shoes. My brother who is the smartest person I know. My computer fixer and the person whom I know will make me laugh with some crazy post on my status on Facebook. My article finder for when it's 1 a.m. and I can't find anything to write my paper over.

In thinking about blessings I remember the things I miss.

I miss the smell of the cabins at SOTO (I can still remember it if I think hard enough) and how we all smelled when we left the river for the day.

I miss being outside those cabins and being able to see every star in existence.

I miss the 105 degree summers in Anthony and the feeling of the hot leather on the back of my legs in my dad's old F-150. I miss him driving me to school and singing Neil Diamond. I miss driving my mom crazy playing my favorite Alabama songs over and over in the van.

I miss having my best friend over for sleepovers, sleeping in the guest room in our old basement, freaking each other out, getting in trouble for being too loud, when we thought staying up past midnight was the cool thing to do.

I miss the butterflies before a big volleyball game. I miss being good at volleyball...apparently getting older doesn't help you get better at sports.

I miss playing the piano.

I miss the long days working at McDonald's with people from all walks of life, most of them more difficult walks than others. I miss running to Smoothie King and then coming back to talk with the girls about all the things high school girls talk about. I guess McDonald's was the cool place to be.

I miss my little red Mustang with the purple steering wheel cover.

I miss camping out at the lake with all the other Girl Scouts and getting in trouble for our tent being a pit. Thirteen years later my room may still look like the inside of that tent.

I miss the feeling of dirt under my nails, sore muscles, and rough hands. I know, you're like, "Um, that's weird." I remember once in youth group Brian told us we'd better get used to being weird if we wanted to follow Christ. I'm okay with that.

I miss holding those beautiful babies in Juarez and praying that God would use their new home to brighten their future and lead them to Him.

I miss Wednesday nights in the Cave and learning more about Christ, being encouraged by my friends, and heading to Freddy's afterward for custard and fries.

I miss when homework was easy and I didn't care if my clothes matched. Okay, the last one hasn't changed.

I miss a lot of things...and I am realizing when I look back on these things how much God has given me. And I'm ready to give back. And now that I have gotten all this off my chest...it's time to finish those portfolios. Because I can't go anywhere until I have this degree. One year and counting.

beautiful.

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

give to the needy.

Hey everyone,

So as many of you may have heard, Casas' intern program has been canceled for this summer.

This year, Casas is down about 250 builds from 2007. That's a lot of families, most of whom have been waiting for homes for over three years.

Basically after finding out that the program was canceled, the interns got together and decided to build this summer anyways. They will be the team. All they need is the prayer and funds to make these builds happen this summer. They'll build until they're out of money.

Those of you who have been to Juarez may know that many people froze to death last winter in the below 0 weather (we were there even before it hit 0. It gets bitter cold in Juarez in the winter), and many more will die this summer in the 100 degree heat without adequate housing.

It's time for us to help out! God's word says that to those whom he has given much, even more will be required (Luke 12:48). God has called us to give to the needy. If your church is not coming back this summer, consider having the interns build a house in your church's name. Please, please pass this on. Families are waiting on the good news of Christ and the hope of a warm place to live next winter.

Any donations can be made online at casasporcristo.org (just put intern builds in the comments) or you can write a check (with intern builds on the memo line) and send it to:

Casas por Cristo

PO Box 971070

El Paso, TX 79997

If you have something/someone that you are truly already supporting, I just want to say AWESOME. Keep up the work for God's kingdom. If not, please consider supporting Casas this summer!

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I hope you will pray along with me for the interns (or rather "summer builders") of 2011. Many of you have supported Casas in the past and I can't tell you how thankful I am for that!!! THANK YOU!

stand firm and be relentless.

I've been wanting to write this post for a while, but haven't really found the words to write it. And I'm still not sure I have the right words, but here it goes.

I've been listening to this song called "Make War" by Tedashii...I listen to it almost every day as it's on my running playlist, and as I'm running God uses the lyrics of this song to stir my emotions and my heart and my thoughts. Now I'm not usually a hip-hop fan, but I make an exception for this song.

It is very easy to forget about the war that is going on in this world when we are surrounded by so many distractions.

But "our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." - Ephesians 6:12

I believe first and foremost that we are to fight for souls. Because Satan has already lost and he knows it. He's ticked and he's taking down whomever he can. And we can't waste time sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves,

"For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline." - 1 Timothy 1:7

And how do we fight for souls? I don't think it's by standing on a corner and shouting condemnation at people. And I don't think it's forcing your beliefs on someone at your job or at school. But I think it's this: Be Christ. Be his example everywhere you go. (I am a major failure at this most of the time). And people will notice. They will ask why you're different.

Back to the song...the song basically talks about making war on our own sins, but it always makes me think of getting out of my laziness and nonchalant attitude and doing something. Because I think sometimes we're asleep and we don't even know it. We don't realize that our next-door neighbor just wants someone to acknowledge the fact that they exist. Or the fact that in the three seconds it takes to turn on the faucet for a drink of clean water a child somewhere will die because they have no water.

It is so easy for me here to forget about people that need love, that need God, that need a home, that need food and water. Because I have all of this. And so, sadly, I forget.

It is amazing to me that here we can go into a restaurant, order whatever we want, eat, and leave. Obviously, nothing wrong with this, but it is so weird for me to think about because I wonder how many people in poverty would actually believe me if I told them that there's a place where they can ask for food and in a few minutes they will get it.

So again, I am anxious for graduation next May. I am ready to get out and help and love on people for God's kingdom. I'm ready to be a teacher and work with students and feed, clothe, house them if necessary. People always say they have a "life verse" and I never really had one because I believe they all should be life verses. But I guess if I had one that I would focus on it would be this: "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." - Luke 12:48

God has given me so much through my awesome parents: plenty of food, a nice house, my own car, my own apartment, and a lot more. And I will spend my life giving back to people and to my parents (when I can...I always joke about how I'll never be able to repay them because I'm just a college student with almost no money). But I am going to give back.

I am so ready to make war for God's kingdom. How will you choose to spend your life? Are you living for God or living just to get through? Although you may not feel like God has called you to a life in missions, I would highly recommend at least visiting a country where poverty is rampant and there is the risk of getting hurt (I know, you're thinking I'm crazy...but this is what God uses to change you).

Get out of your comfort zone and do something for the people who are hurting around you. If you don't have any ideas, message me, because I could probably help you.

My favorite part of this song?
"Wake up, and let's get it."

where we belong.

Since the time we start school we have this longing in us to find where we belong. This longing is what breaks hearts and tears apart friendships in middle school, brings friends back together in high school, and sets our nerves on end when we leave for college. It is amazing to me the things people will do in order to feel like they fit in, and I've been one of those people. The person who breaks someone's heart because they just don't fit into your definition of "cool."

What if what we're searching for isn't something material? Although I'm only 22, I can tell you that what you're looking for isn't money. It's not a big house or a Mercedes-Benz or the top spot in a company. Because when you achieve these things, you will still feel empty.

Now these things aren't bad things, but they can become bad things when they take the place of what we're really searching for. They become bad when they keep us from being obedient to Christ.

When I returned from Mexico last week it was hard for me to get back into my daily routine. I didn't want to put on makeup and get dressed up. I didn't want to make sure my hair looked perfect.

Why do we chase things that aren't real or that don't last? Flawless faces and happiness in money and identity in the brand of clothing we wear.

I can tell you there is only one place that true, eternal happiness is found. And that is in the pursuit of the heart of God.

I belong where God's heart is. I belong serving the poor alongside brothers and sisters in Christ. I miss the feeling of callused hands and dirty nails, the feeling of sweat pouring down my back and forehead, the feeling of not being sure when I'll be clean again or when I will get to shower. Because it's in these times that I realize that there is more to life than fancy cars and big houses. And you will see it when you spend time with the poor, the orphans, and the widows. God didn't call us to serve them just because. I believe he called us to serve them because it is in them that we begin to see him. We begin to find where we belong.