just being honest.

So, my friend Brian posted about discouragement a couple days ago, and that's exactly what this post is going to be about.

To be honest with you guys, I have not been okay the last few days. I've been more sad than I probably have been in a while, and I don't like it. For those of you that know me, I'm not a sad person! But lately all I feel like doing is sleeping and running. Some people eat, some people watch endless movies, some people work work work. I run. I could probably run myself into the ground if I had the time to keep going.

I watch my friends work on projects and complete their assignments and I just can't do it. I've stayed caught up with everything, but I have a couple huge projects that are due in December and for some reason I can't wrap my mind around them. Sometimes I wonder if some things are difficult for me now because school used to come really easy for me. I didn't really used to have to actually work on stuff, and now that I do it's just super overwhelming.

And they're pushing for us to start job searching, and I honestly have no clue what to do. I want to end up somewhere in Texas, but there's jobs all over the United States and the world. (Not quite ready to take the international leap yet). My cover letter and resume sit unfinished on the desktop of my computer, because I'm not quite sure what to write about myself.

Lately I feel like Satan has just been shoving things in my face. Things like, "You'll never make it. You're gonna be a sucky teacher. Why aren't you prettier, funnier, more outgoing?"

And I honestly know that these things aren't true. I know that if I desire to be a good teacher, I will be. And Tuesday in class I had to write a rap about boys and do it in front of the entire class and, well, everyone laughed, so I guess I'm funny at times.

The point is, like Brian says in his post, we all are dealing with discouragement at some point in our lives. And God has put amazing people in our lives to help us with that. I called my mom yesterday and basically bawled my eyes out to her. She's the best at listening, and sometimes that's what you need.

I want out of this rut, and I know it will happen. December will come, I will survive, and I will turn in all my projects, and I'll pass just like every semester before. Part of me wishes it would hurry up, but part of me is like, "Whoa! Slow down!"

Please don't think this is me writing about my pity party....this post is my honest prayer request. Please pray that I will be a good teacher, a good student, and even better, a friend and example of Christ to those in need. Because I haven't been doing well at that lately.

My favorite rapper Lecrae said, "Can they tell you value Jesus by the way you rep his name?"

I sure hope so. I really do.

teaching.

This weekend I've had a lot of time on my hands and I've been spending a lot of time thinking. My friends and I have been trying to live it up this year because we know that the end of college is right around the corner.

So right now four of us are planning this huge road trip to Cocoa Beach for a week. I want to Google all of the "Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives" for each city that we drive through so that when we get hungry we can eat somewhere totally awesome. I think it's going to be a cheap trip, which is what all of us need! It looks like we'll be stopping in places like Fayetteville, Memphis, Birmingham, Albany, and Orlando on the way there....I can say that I'm PUMPED for this trip and that I hope it works out! We aren't going until after graduation in May, soooo we've got a while to think about it.

I've been in "teacher mode" lately because, well, that's what I've been doing. I am now officially working in the schools more than I am attending school myself. I haven't really gotten to teach yet, but I love just being there and learning from my cooperating teachers.

But you know, sometimes I am just SO overwhelmed. Today I have sat here for 3 hours and I feel like I really didn't accomplish much. Teaching does that to you sometimes. You can work on something for hours, decide you hate it, erase it, start over, and three hours later you still have almost nothing done. Sometimes it's really discouraging. I look ahead of me and see ALL the work I have to do over the next six months until I graduate...and it's so much.

Portfolios and lesson plans consume my life.

Right now I'm trying to plan a two week unit for Spanish I. A lot harder than I thought it would be, especially trying to make it flow well between the days.

And as an ESL teacher I am realizing that I need to start learning some other content areas. I have had high school students bring me their AP biology homework and asking me questions that I just don't have the answers to. I was not the best at math and science in high school...but now that my students are coming to me with questions about it, I finally feel like I want to learn more about it.

The past few days I have felt really at peace with God....like he has this huge plan for my life that is slowly unfolding, I can feel it. I have no clue where to go after I graduate...but I'm excited about wherever I'm going to end up. I have this crazy idea...but I'm not quite ready to share it with the world.

I have an amazing family and it was a blessing getting to go home and see them this weekend. And I have felt so loved and taken care of by my friends who are my constant support and chocolate suppliers.

We sang this song at church this morning, so I thought I'd share it with you. It is one of my new favorites.

james banks.

I really was meaning to write this earlier, but life has of course been crazy and I never got around to it.

For those of you who don't know, because I am going to be a Spanish/ESL teacher it is almost a given that I am really into multicultural education. I like studying about things like racism, sexism, discrimination and its effects, and learning how we as teachers can change things like this.

Dr. James Banks, one of the most renowned educators/researchers/speakers in multicultural ed from the University of Washington, came to K-State last week to talk about many things related to these topics. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go, but I'm glad I did. This man has got to be one of the most influential people in education today, and I got to listen to him for an hour and a half. So I guess this is my review and thoughts on what he had to say.

He opened with the fact that our schools in the United States are often more focused on testing and scores than on teaching our students to be humane and to treat one another well. He read this letter that a certain principal wrote to his new teachers every year. This is what it said:

"Dear Teacher,
I am a survivor of a concentration camp. My eyes saw what no man should witness:
Gas chambers built by learned engineers. Children poisoned by educated physicians. Infants killed by trained nurses. Women and babies shot and burned by high school and college graduates. So I am suspicious of education. My request is: Help your students become human. Your efforts must never produce learned monsters, skilled psychopaths, educated Eichmanns.
Reading, writing, arithmetic are important only if they serve to make our children more human."

Even in the elementary classroom I am working in now, I see the beginnings of stereotypes, discrimination, and bullying. And some teachers do nothing to stop it. I won't be that teacher.

He also talked about cosmopolitanism. Now, honestly the first thing that came to my mind was Cosmopolitan magazine (which I don't read and could probably write a whole 'nother blog about). I had no idea what this word meant, but I like his thoughts. We need to educate our children to have allegiance to all people as humans. His example was mourning the loss of men and women in other countries to things like war, famine, and disease, like we mourn the loss of our own people due to these things (and other things).

The last thing he said that hit me was this:

***note: I was really unsure whether I should post this, because, well, me and Dante probably don't agree on everything, and I don't take this quote literally. But I get what he's trying to say.***

"Dante said the worst place in hell is reserved for those who, in times of crisis, were neutral. If this room were on fire, would you sit here and be neutral?" We need to educate our students to be people who stand up for others. Too many students are bullied constantly and people (students and teachers alike) stand by and watch it happen. I realize that Dante was not talking about bullying, but one thing that Dr. Banks said was that the world's most momentous problems come from people who don't know how to get along.

What if our students graduated from high school and knew how to love one another, how to really think through and solve social problems, how to become "world-changers"? Many students are just passed along and never cared about, never invested in, and never taught anything outside the curriculum. I know, I'm not a teacher yet, and I don't know everything. I know there'll be days when I'm fed up and tired and I don't want to teach anymore. But until a day like that comes, I want to be the best teacher I can be, and I think that includes so much more than just the curriculum. I have been blessed to have some pretty great teachers in my life who are now my friends, and I hope that is what I can become to my future students.

"Be ashamed to die until you've won some victory for human kind." - Horace Mann

You can listen to Dr. Banks HERE.

life lately.

My life has been insanely crazy lately. like crazy.

Up until now I've been working, taking classes, running, planning this trip to Mexico (which if you haven't read my post below, you should!), tailgating in the very unusual September cold.

God has been doing many good things in my life lately. I think one of them is helping me survive the semester. For the first month of class I didn't even have time to unpack in my new apartment because I was constantly going somewhere or doing something. I came home to sleep and that was about it. Senioritis is beginning to hit hard. It's difficult for me to keep up with the reading for each class that I have and to do the homework. I don't even want to think about most of the stuff I have to do by December.

God has blessed me with amazing friends who know exactly how I feel right now. Sharisse came to my apartment the other night and said, "Aubrie, I barely have time to think, I'm three weeks behind on reading in this class, I come home just to sleep, I haven't had time to go running, AHHHHH!!!!"

Exactly how I feel. Exactly.

Something God's been teaching me: my plans may not be his plans.

"We can make our own plans,
but the Lord gives the right answer." - Prov. 16:1

Honestly, I have no idea where I'm going in my life. None. Zip. And for some reason I become less afraid every day.

Gosh. I really want to write something REALLY good. And it's not that nothing good is going on. I'm loving my life right now. Just tough to put everything into words I guess.

My new apartment is GREAT. It's quiet. It's cheap. We have our own washer and dryer with water paid for by the landlord. When the washer is spinning it's SUPER loud and shakes the entire floor, but whatever. It works. And my room is spacious.

Oh, I forgot. My friends and I watched a documentary the other night called Paperclips. If you haven't watched it, watch it. It brought up some good conversation and thoughts among us.

I can't wait for the day I can fill this blog with more than just random crap about me. I want to write about other people, so I have tried, as you can see. But I really want to write. Just gotta find something that people want to read.

well, here i am again.

A couple months ago, a friend of mine asked me if I would plan another trip to Juarez this December. I had been thinking about planning one, but never really got around to actually saying I would go.

And now I'm here. I've got barely enough people to make a team. I've got the people, and all we need are the funds. (Which, to me is weird because I think most of the time the problem is that teams are short on people and not funds.)

Last year, we raised nearly all of the money we needed to get us to Juarez, build a house, and come back.

I'm going to be honest with you, we need at least $6600 to do this. Last year, we had donations from $5 to $400. And we needed every bit of that to help us accomplish our goal, which was to build a home for a family who made less than $300 a month and was living in a cardboard shack. We went, built, Christ was shared, and we were changed.

Please seriously consider supporting our team this year! Everything you donate goes to things from nails and shims to new doors and windows and enough lumber for the roof.

We are building the week after Christmas. Temps drop below 0 in Juarez in the winter and many people won't make it through to spring. Many homes look like this.....



Please consider giving up something this Christmas so that a family can have a warm home and the good news of Christ.

To those of you who have donated, THANK YOU so much! Together I believe we are being God's hands and feet, whether it's giving or going.

I installed this donate button and posted it on the left side of my blog. Click on it to donate online. If you'd rather send a check or would like to receive a fundraising letter with more information, email me at aubrie2@ksu.edu.

Thanks so much!

big dreams.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to share this, because honestly I don't want to seem braggy or pompous, but I wrote about Casas a few months ago and sent it in to Topeka, hoping that the word will be spread and maybe even just one person will be moved to do something.

I also wasn't sure if I should post this because I really don't know what God's gonna do with me after graduation. MY plan may end up being different than what he plans out for me...but here's what was on my heart.

Big Dream Gathering - Casas por Cristo

i am inspired.

this woman's faith inspires me. i tear up every time i watch this video and hear her story.

there are days...

Life's been crazy lately. Crazy good. I can say that over the last month I have been happier than I probably have been since I left Juarez last August. God has been working in my life in pretty silent ways lately, if that makes sense. I see Him every day and think about Him often. I have been very blessed this summer.

Last night I asked myself the same question I asked myself all summer last year. Why is it that I get to live here? Why do I get to eat three times a day and sleep in my own bed and turn on the AC? I have been very blessed this summer. I've been to Hawaii and Florida, and next week will leave for Seattle. I've spent time with friends and a pretty cool guy. I've worked so much that people at work have become like family (it seriously is gonna break my heart to leave that place when I graduate).

Lately I have been seeking out what I should do after I graduate. And you know what? I haven't really got a clue. I have ideas. I have hopes. But I am learning in life that you really can't plan much.

For the past few years I have had this dream that I could one day move to El Paso/Juarez and find a teaching position on the El Paso side. I want to open a school in Juarez, like a Saturday school, where people could come and learn English, math, or maybe things they could use to make a living.

I am coming to this place where Mexico isn't always on my mind anymore. There are days when I don't think about it. It scares me because I feel guilty and I feel like I'm going to forget about people who need help, who need Christ's love.

And then there are days when the sights, smells (pleasant and not-so-pleasant), tears, and laughs come flooding back in. I remember the faces of the people we built for and the voices of people who impacted my life. I remember the tears shed when three families' homes burned to the ground and we saw the $14,000 come in so that we could rebuild, and the feeling of I-wanna-rip-my-hair-out when it was week 10 and I was more exhausted than I've ever been. I remember the days teams would ask me questions I didn't have the answers to, but the house got built and Jesus was shared.

I miss the feeling of dirt under my nails, callused hands, of waking up and putting on a dusty, tar-stained old pair of jeans, of searching for bobby pins and only finding roofing nails, of late-night conversations about God and His heart and His dreams for this world, laying on top of the truck looking at the Juarez stars over the desert mountains.

I love that God is moving in my life and keeping his promises no matter where I am. I realize that I may not end up in Mexico, at least not right now. God promises that he has a plan for our lives. I have always put God in a box and tried to plan my own life, as if He isn't big enough to put me where he needs me. How can I expect to give Him my life if I'm constantly planning everything? So this year, I'm going to follow Him and maybe try not to plan so much.

Can I just say that I am pumped for this year?

various rants and thoughts.

Have you ever been reading through something and it just hit you wrong, made your stomach turn a little, made you wonder? Well, the other day I was scrolling through Twitter, reading different people's posts about life and random stuff. And I came across one posted by a certain Christian music artist that said something along the lines of, "Don't know God's will for your life? Find where you're happiest."

And I have to say that I disagree...somewhat. I believe there are people all over the world living in God's will who may or may not be happy with what they've been dealt. Missionaries who are being persecuted daily, people in general being persecuted daily for their faith in Christ. I mean, look at the prophets in the Bible! Jeremiah was called the weeping prophet for a reason. Isaiah probably wasn't too happy that God called him to preach judgment on the "deaf and blind" people of Judah. And I don't think Jesus was too happy sometimes either. I mean, he prayed that God would find another way besides the excruciating death he knew was coming.

Many of my thoughts lately have been focused on God and his will for my life. Mainly wondering lately how my internship and time spent in Mexico fits into the rest of my life. Because honestly part of me feels like if I go another way (staying here), I am guilty of forgetting about the suffering going on in the world. I realize I'm not going to get to heaven someday and have God say, "Well, sorry, your salvation is void because you didn't spend such-and-such amount of time in another country." (We could go into salvation by works or faith, but....not tonight).

I am in awe of how I am changing this summer. I have no doubt been in a spiritual valley. But it weirds me out that I am even thinking about doing anything besides missions. Because missions has been my passion for the past four years.

But you know what the exciting thing is that I am learning?

God has my life in his hands. I have a year before graduation. And I have my whole life ahead of me (God-permitting). I know that our God is a missional God...which means he is constantly moving and constantly molding us and shaping our hearts. So maybe I will impact lives of students in an inner-city school here and then God will move me to another country or another State or another career.

Anyways, that's enough of that rant for tonight. Oh, and I'm not saying that if you're happy, you're not in God's will. Just saying that I don't know if we should base our decisions just on happiness. Happiness is different than finding joy in the difficult parts of your life. (Does that make sense?) Happiness. Joy. Different.

Second thought of the night...while in said spiritual valley, my attitude has sucked this summer about many things. I've snapped at people, slacked off, complained, and wanted to slack off some more. And that's just not me. Last summer I was working 12+ hour days. And I was exhausted and sick (literally sometimes). Now I work 7 hour days, I'm a little hungry and grouchy...yeah. No reason to complain really.

So Tuesday, I decided to shape it up. Colossians 3:23 says, "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men..." I guess I desire that to be my focus from now on. Of course, I get burnt out and cranky and I just don't want to "work heartily." But instead of slacking off, I'd like to go to God and say, "Hey, I'm tired. Make me new."

***Last thought, and most random-est: if you haven't heard of Groove Shark, you should try it out. It's basically like Pandora, except you get to pick the songs you want to listen to.***

I am blessed beyond belief. And it's been an awesome summer so far.

come back down.

Six years ago I sat in the large meeting room of the "big cabin" listening to Jeff talk about how we could ask God to break us. At that time, my sixteen year-old mind had no clue what this meant, but I asked God to do it that morning anyway. I remember when I prayed this I was sitting outside flipping through my new NIV hardcover bible that I had picked up at Wal-Mart the night before camp. I was so interested in how much was packed into that book, and why I'd never bothered to read through it before. I honestly never thought that anything would come of me asking God to break me.

But that night God shattered my heart. And I can't even explain to you how. God has a way of doing that, I guess. Breaking in and revealing himself to you when you absolutely least expect it. I felt that today. I felt pain that I had prayed for for a long time. I have to be honest with you. I have not been okay in my walk with Christ lately. I haven't been an example, I have had no desire to read the Bible, and I have felt like when I pray that God has other things to worry about. I've been hateful and angry. Angry with God because I couldn't go serve this summer. Angry because people I've prayed for haven't changed and Satan tells me every day that they won't and that God has much bigger things to deal with than my worries.

So I began to sink back. Sinking back is a very dangerous thing. Going back to old habits that you broke a long time ago is what marks the beginning of moving away from Christ. I began to doubt God's role in my life. I doubted that he cared about me. I surrounded myself with people who didn't know Christ because I thought I was strong enough to not be affected by it.

And then God hit me square in the face with something tonight. I need him. (Duh, right?) And I need to stop dwelling on the past. I need to cut the crap if I don't want to be fed spiritual milk instead of spiritual food (Hebrews 5:11-13). I'm not producing fruit. And we all know what Jesus said about branches that don't produce fruit (if you don't, read Luke 13:6,7).

Maybe it really has taken me a year to realize this. I am not in Mexico, but yet I dwell there in my mind. God has begun to sever my ties with Mexico in different ways. I haven't been productive here like I said I would. God needs me to have my mind here. I have things to do and accomplish for him here. And I have failed for the last 10 months. I have pushed people away and been judgmental and frankly pissed people off because I just didn't want to be here. And I'm sorry. I really am.

My dream for the last four years has been this: Get a teacher's degree, graduate, move to El Paso, open a school in Juarez for those who can't attend school. And so I had set my mind on that. I lived for the next time I got to be there. I was warned against this by a former intern, and I walked right into it anyway. I focus so much on this that I literally push away anything that might change that plan. And I've hurt a lot of people because of my "plan." It is a good plan, meant for good and meant to be used for God. But what if I'm pushing past things that God wants me to see? What if God has something different planned for me than I have for myself? I am realizing that just because my plan is good and can be used for God, doesn't mean that's what he may want right away. What if because of my focus I am missing something?

Now, I'm not forgetting about the people there. I can't. I'm going in December because people need Christ and they need a warm home. But I can't neglect the people in my life while I'm here. I have been blessed with a good job that I enjoy going to (not many people can say they enjoy going to work), great friends, and an awesome family.

If I desire to serve God with my life, then I have to know him. And he doesn't get "known" by me sliding backwards and never studying the Bible and skipping church services and not finding accountability or a Bible study. This was my life since about January.

Sometimes I think that when Jesus said not to worry about tomorrow, he wasn't just talking about stressing about what's coming tomorrow. How am I going to finish this paper, how am I going to fit this into my schedule, how am I going to pay my bills. But sometimes I think he was saying, "Live now. Live for the people around you. You have today to make a difference, to love people, to show them Me. God will call you to move on when it's time, and it's his job to worry about that, not yours."

The title of this post was the title of the theme song for the week I accepted Christ at Survive. I chose it because I believe I am finally coming back down, if that makes sense. It took me almost a year to get my mind focused on where I need to be.

God took my heart back today and said, "Look, Aubs, you need me whether you admit it or not. I know that you're backsliding, but we'll keep moving from here."

I have never been alone this past year, although I've felt like it and although I was angry and wanted to walk away. I will never be alone, even though there are days I doubt that Jesus is coming back for me and I forget that it's not my doings, but his that save me. And so I move forward. Please pray for me.

"When you come around,
I'll be there for you.
You don't have to be alone
With what you're going through."
- Lifehouse

(***Wow, super random post. I hope it made sense.***)