Tuesday, January 17, 2012

la perfeccionista.

I'm a perfectionist. To the core. You probably wouldn't know this if you walked into my room, because 99% of the time it's a pit. But I'm talking about what I do. I'm FINALLY student teaching, and it's been great so far. God has graciously placed me in a good school with an amazing teacher who is great to talk to and learn from. I'm seriously really grateful - I have had some friends with student teaching experiences from Hades, friends who were so stressed they spent more time puking than planning. I am so glad to be where I am!

But you see the thing that gets me is that whole perfectionist thing. I want my lessons to go perfectly because I know I will probably be super hard on myself if I screw things up. It's only two weeks in and God is already working in my heart, teaching me new things. It amazes me how much one verse of his Word can speak to me. Tonight after I had worked on a couple things for school, I just started getting overwhelmed and I got stuck. And then I start thinking that I'm never going to be a teacher.

So I grabbed my Bible and went out and sat in my favorite chair in our living room. It's this green recliner thing that my parents didn't want anymore, and I loooovvveee it. I start flipping through just praying about how I didn't want to stress myself out this semester, but rather learn from my mistakes and move on. And I came to this verse that I've read oh so many times but never really READ, if you know what I'm saying:

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." - 1 Peter 5:6

It's like God's saying, "Hey, since when is this all about you?" I am reminded of the older woman I met in Mexico (which you can read about HERE) who told me that I had good feet for serving God...for serving our mighty God. I truly believe I have been called to teach, and after tonight I know that God is going to be faithful in strengthening me for that call. I think it's time for me to mess up, to learn, to work hard, to pray, cry, laugh, and seek God. Because if I am at the head of that classroom and I'm not constantly filling myself with God, I can't expect Him to be evident in my work.

And for some reason I forget that God cares about what I care about. He cares that I'm freaking out about wanting to be such a good teacher. He feels my heartbeat pick up and my mind race when I am unsure of what to do next. And just like always, he will see me through, teach me, and strengthen me.

So here's to a new tomorrow. I desire so much to be like Isaiah. Here I am God, send me.

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