midnight thoughts.

I haven't been able to sleep the past two nights. It might be the fact that it is 7:30 in Hawaii. It might also very much be the fact that six years ago at Survive Jeff Mangum prayed that when God had something to tell us we wouldn't be able to sleep at night. I don't know why I remember this. But God remembers it.

I don't know what God's trying to tell me, to be honest. But I know that my heart is restless. Lately, with the thought of graduation in the back of my mind, I've been terrified that somehow I will mess up God's plan for my life. For the past four years, I've believed that I belonged in Mexico, teaching or building or just simply loving on people. But for the life of me I can't understand why I think about being there more than anyone else, and yet I'm not there.

Some people may think I have lame excuses for not being there this summer. It's driving me absolutely insane, watching pictures go up every week of families who are receiving homes. And maybe I need to stop and remember that whether I'm there or not, families get new houses and hear about Jesus' love for them...and that's the thing that matters.

So I looked up some verses about God's plans, and the one's I found were these:

"...the LORD searches all hearts and understands every plan and thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you, but if you forsake him, he will cast you off forever." - 1 Chron. 28:9

"...for if this plan or this undertaking is of man, it will fail..." - Acts 5:38

"May he grant you your heart’s desireand fulfill all your plans!" - Psalm 20:4

"The counsel of the LORD stands forever,the plans of his heart to all generations." - Psalm 33:11

"Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed." - Proverbs 15:22

"The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the LORD." - Proverbs 16:1

"The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." - Proverbs 16:9

There's a lot more, but I'm going to stop at this one. Because I think it's here that I find my answer. I can plan and plan and plan. My heart can even be poured into each of those plans. But God is the one who ultimately establishes and finalizes those plans. He's the one who makes it all happen.

I just need to learn to trust that this is true. God is big enough to handle my mistakes and he's big enough to know what to do when I veer off the path. I'm tired of worrying about planning my future. So here's to upcoming senior year (part 2). Sharisse, Liz, and I are going to make it a year to remember.

Sorry if you're tired of reading about Mexico. People tell me they're tired of hearing about it. But when I prayed a while ago that God would align my dreams with his, I believe he answered. I believe that he wants the people of a nearly-forgotten city to know that he loves them. They aren't forgotten by him and they aren't forgotten by us, no matter what the media posts about them. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm just passionate. Maybe the two go hand-in-hand. But when my life is over I want to know that God used my life to make a difference.

“There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart...pursue those.” - Michael Nolan