come back down.

Six years ago I sat in the large meeting room of the "big cabin" listening to Jeff talk about how we could ask God to break us. At that time, my sixteen year-old mind had no clue what this meant, but I asked God to do it that morning anyway. I remember when I prayed this I was sitting outside flipping through my new NIV hardcover bible that I had picked up at Wal-Mart the night before camp. I was so interested in how much was packed into that book, and why I'd never bothered to read through it before. I honestly never thought that anything would come of me asking God to break me.

But that night God shattered my heart. And I can't even explain to you how. God has a way of doing that, I guess. Breaking in and revealing himself to you when you absolutely least expect it. I felt that today. I felt pain that I had prayed for for a long time. I have to be honest with you. I have not been okay in my walk with Christ lately. I haven't been an example, I have had no desire to read the Bible, and I have felt like when I pray that God has other things to worry about. I've been hateful and angry. Angry with God because I couldn't go serve this summer. Angry because people I've prayed for haven't changed and Satan tells me every day that they won't and that God has much bigger things to deal with than my worries.

So I began to sink back. Sinking back is a very dangerous thing. Going back to old habits that you broke a long time ago is what marks the beginning of moving away from Christ. I began to doubt God's role in my life. I doubted that he cared about me. I surrounded myself with people who didn't know Christ because I thought I was strong enough to not be affected by it.

And then God hit me square in the face with something tonight. I need him. (Duh, right?) And I need to stop dwelling on the past. I need to cut the crap if I don't want to be fed spiritual milk instead of spiritual food (Hebrews 5:11-13). I'm not producing fruit. And we all know what Jesus said about branches that don't produce fruit (if you don't, read Luke 13:6,7).

Maybe it really has taken me a year to realize this. I am not in Mexico, but yet I dwell there in my mind. God has begun to sever my ties with Mexico in different ways. I haven't been productive here like I said I would. God needs me to have my mind here. I have things to do and accomplish for him here. And I have failed for the last 10 months. I have pushed people away and been judgmental and frankly pissed people off because I just didn't want to be here. And I'm sorry. I really am.

My dream for the last four years has been this: Get a teacher's degree, graduate, move to El Paso, open a school in Juarez for those who can't attend school. And so I had set my mind on that. I lived for the next time I got to be there. I was warned against this by a former intern, and I walked right into it anyway. I focus so much on this that I literally push away anything that might change that plan. And I've hurt a lot of people because of my "plan." It is a good plan, meant for good and meant to be used for God. But what if I'm pushing past things that God wants me to see? What if God has something different planned for me than I have for myself? I am realizing that just because my plan is good and can be used for God, doesn't mean that's what he may want right away. What if because of my focus I am missing something?

Now, I'm not forgetting about the people there. I can't. I'm going in December because people need Christ and they need a warm home. But I can't neglect the people in my life while I'm here. I have been blessed with a good job that I enjoy going to (not many people can say they enjoy going to work), great friends, and an awesome family.

If I desire to serve God with my life, then I have to know him. And he doesn't get "known" by me sliding backwards and never studying the Bible and skipping church services and not finding accountability or a Bible study. This was my life since about January.

Sometimes I think that when Jesus said not to worry about tomorrow, he wasn't just talking about stressing about what's coming tomorrow. How am I going to finish this paper, how am I going to fit this into my schedule, how am I going to pay my bills. But sometimes I think he was saying, "Live now. Live for the people around you. You have today to make a difference, to love people, to show them Me. God will call you to move on when it's time, and it's his job to worry about that, not yours."

The title of this post was the title of the theme song for the week I accepted Christ at Survive. I chose it because I believe I am finally coming back down, if that makes sense. It took me almost a year to get my mind focused on where I need to be.

God took my heart back today and said, "Look, Aubs, you need me whether you admit it or not. I know that you're backsliding, but we'll keep moving from here."

I have never been alone this past year, although I've felt like it and although I was angry and wanted to walk away. I will never be alone, even though there are days I doubt that Jesus is coming back for me and I forget that it's not my doings, but his that save me. And so I move forward. Please pray for me.

"When you come around,
I'll be there for you.
You don't have to be alone
With what you're going through."
- Lifehouse

(***Wow, super random post. I hope it made sense.***)