Tuesday, August 9, 2011

there are days...

Life's been crazy lately. Crazy good. I can say that over the last month I have been happier than I probably have been since I left Juarez last August. God has been working in my life in pretty silent ways lately, if that makes sense. I see Him every day and think about Him often. I have been very blessed this summer.

Last night I asked myself the same question I asked myself all summer last year. Why is it that I get to live here? Why do I get to eat three times a day and sleep in my own bed and turn on the AC? I have been very blessed this summer. I've been to Hawaii and Florida, and next week will leave for Seattle. I've spent time with friends and a pretty cool guy. I've worked so much that people at work have become like family (it seriously is gonna break my heart to leave that place when I graduate).

Lately I have been seeking out what I should do after I graduate. And you know what? I haven't really got a clue. I have ideas. I have hopes. But I am learning in life that you really can't plan much.

For the past few years I have had this dream that I could one day move to El Paso/Juarez and find a teaching position on the El Paso side. I want to open a school in Juarez, like a Saturday school, where people could come and learn English, math, or maybe things they could use to make a living.

I am coming to this place where Mexico isn't always on my mind anymore. There are days when I don't think about it. It scares me because I feel guilty and I feel like I'm going to forget about people who need help, who need Christ's love.

And then there are days when the sights, smells (pleasant and not-so-pleasant), tears, and laughs come flooding back in. I remember the faces of the people we built for and the voices of people who impacted my life. I remember the tears shed when three families' homes burned to the ground and we saw the $14,000 come in so that we could rebuild, and the feeling of I-wanna-rip-my-hair-out when it was week 10 and I was more exhausted than I've ever been. I remember the days teams would ask me questions I didn't have the answers to, but the house got built and Jesus was shared.

I miss the feeling of dirt under my nails, callused hands, of waking up and putting on a dusty, tar-stained old pair of jeans, of searching for bobby pins and only finding roofing nails, of late-night conversations about God and His heart and His dreams for this world, laying on top of the truck looking at the Juarez stars over the desert mountains.

I love that God is moving in my life and keeping his promises no matter where I am. I realize that I may not end up in Mexico, at least not right now. God promises that he has a plan for our lives. I have always put God in a box and tried to plan my own life, as if He isn't big enough to put me where he needs me. How can I expect to give Him my life if I'm constantly planning everything? So this year, I'm going to follow Him and maybe try not to plan so much.

Can I just say that I am pumped for this year?

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