Wednesday, December 15, 2010

by giving up, gain everything.

To be really honest with you, I am struggling tonight.

I got to spend the evening at Chili's, my favorite restaurant, with some great friends (and for those of you who know me well, you will be appalled to learn I did not, in fact, order chicken crispers).

I started to feel cold because we were sitting by the door, and that's when I started saying, "Man, I'm cold." Take another sip of the pure water in my glass (because I can get it refilled whenever I want). Take another bite of the food on my plate that was enough to feed three people.

Get home to my apartment. "It is SO cold in here. I can't wait to go to sleep because I know I'll be warm in my bed!"

I ended up having to run out to my car to get something. It is 22 outside. It is NOT cold in my apartment, and this dawned on me when I came back in. We keep our thermostat at 63 (because for some odd reason it costs a BUNCH to heat this place), but still. That's not cold.

Many people, even here in the US, will freeze to death tonight.

I can't shake this. I can't shake what I have seen and I can't walk away from what I believe God is calling me to. I feel like I know people who come off the mission field and walk away from it and go on to different things in their lives. I'm definitely not condemning this, because God calls everyone to different things. But why me to missions?

I am terrified because in my heart I know that I would absolutely love to get to teach English in a Spanish-speaking country, but I know that it could very well end up being one of the hardest roads to choose.

I said I was applying for Casas next summer, and now I am debating. To be real with you, I did two months of therapy when I came back. That's how much I struggled. I cried a lot. I shut myself in. I slept all the time. I had nightmares. And people I look up to very much are telling me that it might not be the best thing for me mentally to do that again. And I know that's true.

And on top of that, I HAVE to find a subleaser and a place to store all my stuff if I want to leave next summer. And I have to find a place to live when I come back. Sounds small, but seems so big to me. Me of little faith.

But I will never be the same as I was before this summer. To tell you the truth I would like to get married, stay in Kansas near my family, teach elementary ESL, have kids, grow old. And that may be what God calls me to later. But not now. And it's tearing my heart out because it's not easy. My mom and I are so close and I am not ready to leave. I've lived within 2 hours of my family my entire life, and the thought of moving far away kills me but is so exciting at the same time.

Geez, I thought graduating high school was hard.

But I realize that in giving up, I gain everything in Christ.

I have been so blessed with amazing parents, an amazing family, great friends, an education, my own room, good food, a warm place to sleep, hot shower, freedom to follow Christ openly and not in hiding.

"Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more." - Luke 12:48

Please keep the homeless in your prayers this winter. I just want to say THANK YOU to the girls at Kappa Delta and everyone else who has donated warm clothing and electric blankets for us to take to Juarez. We are still taking donations! So happy that even more families will get to be a little warmer.

1 comment:

  1. First of all, question. I have a nice winter coat that I've been looking to give away because I just plain don't need it. I have a new one. Could I send it with you guys?

    Also, I just wanted you to know that in a little way, I understand. And more than that, I'm praying for you. God changed my life in a big way this summer working at an orphanage in another country. I'm still constantly wrestling with my knowledge of the poor and hurting, and how to match that up with my life here, what to do with it, how to live with this knowledge.

    - Kalyn Waller