decisions.

So as most of you know, my heart as been torn in two lately about whether or not I should go back to Mexico for the summer.

I ended up not applying for many reasons:

1) Wanting to love on, encourage, and impact the people I live and work with throughout my last college summer (omigosh omigosh omigosh I'm graduating and gonna be a real live teacher!! *begin freaking out*)

2) No sub-leaser and definitely NO funds to pay for my apartment for the summer without having a full-time job. (Super-duper thankful that my awesome parents paid for my apartment last summer). It's not that I don't trust God to come up with this money, because I've seen him do it, but I feel like with student loans on the horizon I need to save...because I have debt that I owe and I don't think I can just push that off.

3) My roommate is getting married and I already missed one roomie's wedding last year (sorry Al). I know I could possibly come back for it, but it's May 21st and that would mean me being in El Paso for like a week and then coming back. Not a very good example for new interns.

4) Student teaching is next spring and I am not going to be able to really have a job while doing that AND I have to pay for 12 hours of school...even though I'm technically not taking classes. So taking the internship would mean coming back and having like three months to work on top of classes and try to save for spring.

5) Spending time with family before I graduate. I'll never forget how hard I cried and how hard my mom cried when I got off the plane in August and saw my family for the first time in three months. Now some of you say, "I haven't seen my family in years." Well, I grew up in a tight-knit huggy, "I love you," sort of family. I miss them a lot when I'm gone.

ANYWAYS, I've been thinking over all these reasons and still have been wanting to go back. But tonight I am at peace, because I realized something as I was listening to my Alex Campos Mexico song....

I was an absolute wreck when I came back to Kansas in August. My first day back I went to Sunday school at Olivet and I was holding back tears all the way through. It was like a mini panic attack. For some reason, I had to get out of there. So I did. And I cried and cried when I left. I cried for the next few days. And even called Shane once in hysterics not knowing what the heck to do with myself because I was going insane. (This is very hard to explain if you've never been out of the country or on a missions trip for a long period of time...it's heart-wrenching).

I even went to therapy where she really listened to me talk through what I had seen and dealt with. I talked about the homes that burned down and how three families were living in a burnt shell of a home. I talked about the people I worked with. I talked about how my brain wanted to explode by the end of the summer from Spanish overload. I talked about how I didn't cry for three months straight but instead bottled everything up so that teams wouldn't see me freak out.

The point is...what if God thinks it's not good for me right now? Because I HAVE to come back to school again in the fall. I have things to finish here. I have a lot of learning and growing left to do. What if God is saying, "Stay here," because I just might not be able to handle coming back again?

Just my thoughts. It seriously breaks my heart to think about a summer not in Mexico after last summer...but God has reasons. And I am here. And I will be obedient. And I will try to be loving to everyone...which I have been SERIOUSLY bad at lately. I will have to post the story of the pickle-flicker sometime.

But I'm tired and have a long week ahead. Just thought I'd share what I believe God laid on my heart tonight.